The Tale of Two Parents

In many of my Bible studies and Christian gatherings, I often share a simple story about two parents to help us reflect on the nature of love—especially God’s love and how it informs our own.

Scripture teaches that true love is not merely sentimental or permissive; it is rooted in truth, discipline, and a desire for the other person’s ultimate good (Hebrews 12:6; Proverbs 3:11–12). With that in mind, consider the following contrast.

Example 1

This parent frequently says, “I love you,” and expresses this love through constant gifts, attention, and indulgence. The child rarely hears “no.” The parents’ affection is shown mainly through comfort, pleasure, and the removal of difficulties or disappointments whenever possible. On the surface, this appears to be a warm and caring love—one that many in our culture might quickly affirm as ideal.

Example 2

This parent may not say “I love you” as often, yet their love is shown through consistent guidance, clear boundaries, and structure. This parent affirms and rewards what is good, and lovingly corrects or withholds certain privileges when the child acts in ways that are harmful, disrespectful, or destructive. Their goal is not just the child’s momentary happiness, but their growth in maturity, character, and wisdom.

The Question

Which parent truly loves their child more? If you answered, “Example 2,” you are closer to the biblical picture of love. But why is that?

Permissive and Uninvolved Parenting Styles: A Deeper Issue

In the broader world of psychology and child development, experts often describe four primary parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and uninvolved (Baumrind 1966; Maccoby & Martin 1983). Each style balances responsiveness (warmth, encouragement, emotional support) and demandingness (expectations, rules, discipline) in different ways (Baumrind 1991).

For the sake of the moral and theological point I want to make, we will focus first on two: permissive and uninvolved, while also acknowledging the dangers of a harsh, authoritarian spirit later in the study.

The permissive parent takes a lenient approach to discipline, giving the child wide freedom with few consistent boundaries. Rules are flexible, consequences are often delayed or absent, and the child’s immediate desires tend to set the agenda (Baumrind 1966).

The uninvolved parent goes a step further into neglect: remaining emotionally distant, disengaged, and inattentive to the child’s spiritual, emotional, and developmental needs (Maccoby & Martin, 1983).

Tragically, a well-meaning permissive parent can slowly drift into becoming an uninvolved parent. This can happen through exhaustion, lack of support, emotional burnout, chronic stress, depression, addiction, overwhelming work demands, unresolved trauma, or deep emotional fatigue.

Over time, such a parent may:

1.     Rarely ask about the child’s walk with God, school life, friendships, or emotional struggles.

2.     Offer little supervision or guidance in day-to-day decisions.

3.     Seem emotionally distant or unavailable.

4.     Ignore concerning behaviors until they erupt into serious problems.

From a biblical standpoint, this is not the kind of love God models or calls parents to reflect. God’s love is deeply involved, holy, and purposeful. He comforts and blesses, but He also corrects, trains, and disciplines His children for their good, “that we may share His holiness” (Hebrews 12:10).

Therefore, it is crucial for parents to recognize early signs of drifting toward permissiveness or detachment and, by God’s grace, seek to re-engage—offering consistent, loving guidance rather than mere control or unchecked freedom. The challenge, however, is that when parents try to “fix” things, they often swing back toward the same permissive patterns, undermining the very changes they hope to see.

The Authoritarian Mistake

Authoritarian parenting may seem like a strong, disciplined approach, but it is actually a very hazardous parenting style. Authoritarian parenting is a highly controlling style in which parents emphasize strict obedience, rigid rules, and harsh discipline, often with little warmth, emotional responsiveness, or open dialogue (Baumrind 1966; Maccoby & Martin 1983). Children are expected to comply “because I said so,” and questioning, expressing emotion, or wrestling through convictions is frequently discouraged or even punished. 

From a biblical perspective, this kind of parenting can easily distort a child’s view of God. Scripture clearly affirms that God is holy and that He disciplines His children (Hebrews 12:5–11), yet it also reveals Him as “compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness” (Psalm 103:8).:

When parents demand outward conformity without reflecting God’s patience, gentleness, and covenant love, they risk communicating a picture of God that is cold, distant, and primarily punitive. By contrast, even as God commands obedience, He does not appeal to sheer power or “because I said so” alone. He reveals His character, explains His ways, and reasons with His people, calling them to see that His commands flow from His goodness and are given for their ultimate joy and blessing (Deuteronomy 10:12–13; 30:15–20). He invites sinners, “Come now, and let us reason together” (Isaiah 1:18), and ties love for Him to trust-filled obedience: “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments” (John 14:15). God promises blessing for obedience, warns of the misery of rebellion, and patiently bears with His people, so that their obedience might be the fruit of faith and love rather than the fearful compliance of a crushed spirit. In our homes, then, authoritative, Christ-centered parenting should seek to echo this pattern—setting clear expectations, but also appealing to the child’s heart with reasons, promises, and gracious correction that consistently point back to who God is and why His ways are good.

Research in psychology also highlights serious concerns with authoritarian parenting. Studies have associated this style with higher levels of anxiety, lower self-esteem, and weaker internalization of moral values in children, compared to more balanced, authoritative parenting (Baumrind 1966, 1991). In other words, children may obey out of fear in the short term, but they often struggle to develop a secure sense of identity, healthy emotional regulation, and mature, internal motivation to do what is right (Baumrind 1991).

For Christian parents, this should serve as a warning. God calls fathers and mothers to bring up their children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4), not in a way that “provokes [them] to anger” through harshness, inconsistency, or excessive control. The goal is not merely to produce compliant children but to shepherd their hearts toward a living, trusting relationship with God. Any approach that relies primarily on fear, intimidation, or relentless criticism is at odds with the gospel itself, which invites us to repentance through God’s kindness (Romans 2:4) and secures our obedience through the transforming work of His Spirit, not through sheer external pressure.

The Biblical View

Scripture presents God not merely as a distant authority or a lenient comforter, but as a holy Father who both tenderly cares for His children and faithfully disciplines them for their good (Hebrews 12:5–11; Psalm 103:13). He is the One who “does not deal with us according to our sins” (Psalm 103:10) yet also loves us too much to leave us in our sin. His love is steadfast (Psalm 136:1), covenantal (Deuteronomy 7:9), and self-giving (John 3:16). As we reflect on His character, we begin to see that His fatherly love is the pattern and power for our own parenting: a love that is both deeply compassionate and uncompromisingly holy.

From Genesis to Revelation, God reveals Himself as a Father who draws near to His people. He hears their cries (Exodus 3:7), carries them as a father carries his son (Deuteronomy 1:31), gently leads those who have young (Isaiah 40:11), and yet also corrects and reproves them when they wander (Proverbs 3:11–12). In Christ, this fatherly care takes on even greater clarity: through adoption, we are brought into God’s family (Romans 8:15–17; Galatians 4:4–7), and His discipline becomes the loving training of a Father who prepares His children for holiness and glory (Hebrews 12:9–10).

A Christ-Centered Model of Parenting: An Authoritative Posture

When we bring together what Scripture reveals about God’s character and what research has observed about parenting, a clear pattern emerges. Among the four commonly described styles—authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved—the authoritative model best reflects the biblical vision of God’s fatherly care.

Authoritative parenting combines clear expectations and consistent discipline with warmth, responsiveness, and relational closeness (Baumrind 1966, 1991). Authoritative parents provide structure and guidance, but they also listen, explain, and seek to reach the child’s heart. This posture mirrors, in a small and imperfect way, the way God exercises both His holy authority and His steadfast love.

Rather than drifting toward the extremes of indulgence, where a child’s desires rule the home, or neglect, where a child is left largely to their own devices, we are called to embrace a Christ-centered, authoritative model of parenting. This model mirrors the way God relates to His people in the gospel.

First, it is marked by faithful presence. God promises, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5), and Jesus assures His disciples, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20). Likewise, Christian parents are called to be present—with their time, attention, listening ear, and prayer—so that children do not experience a home full of Christian words but empty of Christian love.

Second, it is characterized by sacrificial service. Jesus, the Son of God, came “not to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). Parenting shaped by the cross means laying down our comfort, preferences, and even reputations for the true good of our children. It means being willing to lose sleep, change plans, and bear with immaturity in order to patiently see Christ formed in them (Galatians 4:19).

Third, it involves wise, consistent discipline aimed at the heart. God’s discipline is never random or vindictive; it is purposeful, “that we may share His holiness” (Hebrews 12:10). In the same way, authoritative discipline is meant to shepherd the heart rather than merely control outward behavior. It involves training, instruction, warning, correction, and encouragement (2 Timothy 3:16–17), all offered in a spirit of gentleness (Galatians 6:1) and under the fear of the Lord.

Rooted in the Gospel

Parenting rooted in the gospel does not rely on fear, shame, or mere external control, but on pointing our children again and again to the grace, truth, and lordship of Jesus Christ. Jesus is “full of grace and truth” (Jn 1:14), and our parenting must hold both together. If we emphasize truth without grace, we risk creating a harsh, law-driven atmosphere that crushes tender hearts. If we emphasize grace without truth, we risk raising children who presume upon God’s kindness and never see their need for repentance.

The gospel reminds us that both parents and children stand on level ground at the foot of the cross. Parents are not saviors; they are sinners saved by grace, entrusted with a temporary stewardship. This humbles us when we are tempted to boast in our methods and comforts us when we are grieved over our failures (1 Jn 1:8–9; Rom 8:1). It also gives us hope that real change is possible in our homes—not because we parent perfectly, but because Christ reigns and His Spirit is at work (Philippians. 1:6; Ezekiel. 36:26–27).

Ultimately, our goal is not simply to raise well-behaved children who know how to act in church or society, but to reflect, however imperfectly, the Father-heart of God in our homes. We long to see our sons and daughters come to know Him, trust Him, and walk in His ways (Deuteronomy 6:6–7; 3 John 4). As we grow in our understanding of His love for us in Christ, we can begin—by the help of the Holy Spirit—to move away from unbiblical patterns of permissiveness, neglect, and harsh authoritarianism, and toward an authoritative, Christ-centered way of parenting that is grounded in Scripture, shaped by the cross, and directed toward our children’s eternal good and God’s eternal glory (1 Corinthians. 10:31).

Conclusion

In the end, every parenting style tells a story about what we believe God is like. Permissive and uninvolved parenting can quietly suggest that God is indifferent or unconcerned. Harsh, authoritarian parenting can paint Him as distant, demanding, and hard to please. But the God of Scripture is neither passive nor cruel; He is a loving Father who graciously adopts, patiently corrects, and steadfastly keeps His promises in Christ.

Therefore, the call of Christian parenting is not merely to choose a “better technique,” but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:1–2) so that our homes become small, imperfect reflections of the kingdom of God. As we behold the Lord’s glory in the face of Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 3:18), we ourselves are changed—and by His grace, the way we love, lead, and discipline our children will change as well. May our parenting increasingly bear witness to the One who said, “I will be a Father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to Me” (2 Corinthians 6:18), until the day when all His children are finally and fully home with Him.

References

Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior. Child Development, 37(4), 887–907.

Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95.

Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent–child interaction. In P. H. Mussen (Ed.), Handbook of child psychology (Vol. 4, pp. 1–101). New York: Wiley.

Grace and peace to you and yours.

Pastor Anthony